What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
Last Updated: 22.06.2025 01:02
And i lived it daily.
But it wasn’t much.
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
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(And it was in our own minds.)
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
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He knew the spot.
Who then, do I blame.?
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
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I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
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It was going to be , some day.
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
Would this be the day?
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
I waited trembling.
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My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
She married twice! .
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
When was the first time you felt discriminated against because you were female?
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
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But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
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We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
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Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
I will be 64.
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
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Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
So whats the point in blame.
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
Where the ultimate outsiders.
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
I was scared of men, in general
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
I was 9 years of age.
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
I could never make a relationship work though!
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
What did i know ?
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
She was in good health!
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
I don,t even have a pension.
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
One cannot live in the past .
Ive learnt so much.
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
I said to her
I think the readers, may guess!
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
I was seconnd youngest,
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
Especially a lifetime of it.
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
We all went to grammer schools
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
She wouldn,t have been !
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
This is soul school!.
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
I did it because my mum asked me too!
He resisted the act ,that day.
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
Why did i forgive my father ?
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
I write beautiful poetry .
I have no regrets .
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
My family never makes their pension either.
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
My life is so biszare .
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
So, i spoilt her more .
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
Im dying but, im not bitter.
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
She loved him until the end.
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
Im still living with it.
Comes on , in middle age.
Put me off passion for life!!
But ive been too sick for many years..
My mum and dad in the seventies!
I never cut or harmed myself..
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
I know ,a lot about trauma.
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
When she asked me how she looked .
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
All the time i was locked up.
They are buried together, in the same grave..
I was very sick at this time too.
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
He was dying to do it , i knew.
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
And who doesn’t know suffering?
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
I couldn’t, believe it.
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
I had hoped to write a book about this .
We were not on the streets..
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
On the 31st of Jan this month .
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
She found it foreign!.
As i do to all so called friends.?
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
The only rule us 5 kids had .
But, we were locked up after school.
This is how, and why children get BPD.
Was to survive, this bastard.
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.